This is the soap box I promised last week. If you haven’t read where I’m going with this, you can do so here. By the way, if you think everyone deserves a participation ribbon, this post is NOT for you. You’ve been warned.
So I’ve been mulling this whole everyone-gets-a-trophy phenomenon for the last week. I’m actually always mulling it, but the whole “crying couch thing” just had me reeling and then spiraling into a territory I’m not fond of visiting. This is why I don’t watch the news. I read news, but I can’t watch it. Even if I agree with what’s being said, AND on the off chance it isn’t the pure speculation 24 hour news cycles tend to spew, it angers me. It makes me frustrated with people and policies and the world in general. And as I said last week, the world amazes me. I enjoy being amazed by the world. What I do not enjoy being is surrounded by idiots. That territory I’m not fond of but have somehow found myself visiting once again? It’s the one populated by idiots, which means I am surrounded. Not. Enjoying. It.
I started off thinking this was clearly a generational thing, right? Some generation has to be held accountable for creating this deluded attempt at avoiding hurt feelings and poking at insecurities. Surely there is one group, one boxed in bunch with the biggest all-encompassing label that started it all? Let the blame game begin …
The Baby Boomers- The hippy dippy love generation that has the best of intentions, but often times can’t see the forest for the trees. And as T.S. Eliot so effectively surmised – Most of the evil in this world is done by people with good intentions.
Gen Xers- The cynics and skeptics of the world. Highly educated yet aspirationally impotent and raised extremely self-aware yet totally doesn’t care. That’s a deadly combination when it comes to rearing youth.
Gen Y /Millennials- Though it seems they’ve barely cleared puberty, they are now producing progeny of their own and instilling the same sense of entitled narcissistic values they hold dear. In all honesty, the fire was lit before their time, but they can be blamed for continuing to carry the torch like it’s the next Olympics.
So, essentially, it’s not a generation specific thing. It’s a disease that has clearly been transmitted by each age band in some way, shape, form or the other through the years. So who is Patient Zero? Being a Gen X/Y hybrid myself, I have to blame somebody. That’s what we do. I realized over the last week it has little to do with age and the philosophies that typically accompany it because it suddenly hit me. Losers are Patient Zero. It’s the losers of the world that are to blame for this everyone-deserves-an-A-and-a-trophy crisis.
Somebody on a playground somewhere was picked last for kickball. Somebody in a school somewhere missed making the Academic Bowl. Somebody at a job somewhere got passed up for promotion…. hurt feelings were had, crying probably ensued, thus the concept of everyone getting a ribbon was born. That somebody swore to themselves they were going to make the world better by never having their children or their children’s children feel sad and hollow and not enough like they once did. They promised to create an atmosphere for the future wherein everyone feels loved and equal and the antonym to inadequate (which I guess would be adequate?). In wallowing in their own self-pity a need emerged to right, in their mind’s eye, what were the horrific wrongs of those who created the hurt feelings and tears of derision. They are losers who stood up and said, “We aren’t going to take it anymore!” and “Instead, we are going to create a false sense of security, expel motivation, and strip individuals of any agency they could possibly possess.” …. Okay. So that second declaration may have been more me. Doesn’t mean it’s not true.
The thing that blows my mind is how we’ve let this misguided attempt at fashioning a feel-good society stand. We are perpetuating a myth. We are not all equal. Winning matters. Losing matters. I say this having lost MANY times in my life. I also wasn’t picked first – often. And that’s ok, because each of those things defined me in some way. They were character builders. They sent me down a path infused with free-will and consequence. Whenever I didn’t win at something, which was a lot, I was allowed the opportunity to let it impact me for better or for worse, contributing to the development of the adult that sits here typing before you today.
My parents also parented. They never pandered to my sensibilities. They never egged me on or offered fodder like “the coach was wrong” or “the teacher was wrong” or “you were robbed and deserve X just as much as that other kid.” They said things like “next time”, “it’s your choice”, “work harder” or “maybe it’s not for you.” I appreciate that now, even if I didn’t then. Sure, the selfish insecure kid inside of me may have wanted my dad to go knocking on that teacher’s or coach’s door, giving him a piece of his mind and demanding comeuppance for offending his little girl’s feelings, but in hindsight, because of, you know, growth, I realize how detrimental that would have been to my spirit. It would have affected my purpose in life in truly destructive ways.
So let’s look at what giving everyone a universal ribbon means. Let’s look at what happens when earned awards and accolades are removed from the equation. Let’s look at what life is like when we don’t keep score.
When I played little league, we kept score, ergo there were winners and losers. The winners usually received a free soda from the concession stand courtesy of their proud parents or pleased coach while the losers walked off the field maybe with their heads in their hands but also with grounds to improve and a chance to fight harder on another day. If there had been no score kept, and there had been no winners or losers, then everyone would have received a soda for a job done (whether it was done well or at all would be entirely moot). So then what’s the incentive to work harder the next time around? Why try to improve? Or why work hard to maintain the lead? No practice needed. Just be present. Be a warm body on the bench or on the field and be rewarded for contributing something or contributing nothing at all. All things being equal, right? Four legs good, two legs bad… anyone? Anyone?
Fast forward twenty years and let’s look at those no-score-kept little leaguers now. They’ve never been properly motivated in life. They’ve never had the efforts of a hard win be fruitful. They’ve never had to accept a hard loss without compensation. Suddenly we’ve bred an entire society that swims in mediocrity and demands it be rewarded for the minimal effort put forth. And how will that pan out? A culture comprised of rather pedestrian intellects and never-really-try-too-hards? There’d be no Steve Jobs, no Elon Musks, no Larry Birds or Steph Currys or Williams sisters, no Oprahs or Ellens, no Sydney Poitiers or Meryl Streeps or insert whatever notable or famous prize/award winner here because they are the cream – people who rose to the top in their respective fields because they weren’t just praised for being there. No, they made waves and it was recognized. They were losers at some point and that sense of loss was so great it pushed them to becoming more. By handing out trophies like hookers do hand jobs, what makes it special? What creates the warm fuzzy adrenaline filled yet euphoric feeling of earned success?
And that’s it. Just like respect, wins have to be earned, but what people don’t realize is that losses are earned, too. How you accept the outcome of a competition and the application of the lessons learned are what make you a better person. An improved person. A person with goals and purpose and zeal. Without adversity, there can be no struggle and without struggle there can be no strength. This isn’t Yoda-esque BS I’m spouting here. I don’t have a degree in psychology and I don’t read self-help books in my spare time. These are common sense concepts to me.
Yes, trophies, awards and accolades are essentially carrot danglers. They ignite the passion from within and are the impetus in pushing humans to strive for more. They offer us motivation. They provide a platform for forward motion and that’s what creates culture.
I get that the last thing someone could want on this Earth is to see their child hurt or upset in some way. You want to fix it and you never want them to feel the way you felt when you lost whatever it is you lost. But by allowing them the opportunity to lose, you are elevating them and they may not see it now, hell, you may not see it now, but everyone will down the road. Instead of stunting their growth, you’re enabling it to thrive. Losing isn’t fun, but it’s life and it makes winning all the more glorious.
This moment from The Incredibles sums up what I’ve been ranting about for 1600+ words in 50 quick seconds.
Bottom line is this – the last thing I want when I’m standing at the Pearly Gates is for St. Peter to pat me on the back and offer me a participation ribbon. If that happens, I should walk through that gate with my head hung low because my life never really amounted to much.
This weekend, go win at something. Bask in that feeling. Then remind yourself it took a lot of losses to get there and that that’s okay.
