Tag Archives: Gatlinburg

Throw-Back-Monday: The Bachelorette

Warning: the word penis is said probably 15 times in this post. If you care, then by all means don’t read. If you really care, then she’s all yours.

It was Thursday that the wedding party was to arrive at Tanasi Lodge. My bachelorette was scheduled for that night. I don’t know if the guys really did anything beyond shooting pool and drinking a little at the cabin; Clifford hadn’t wanted a bachelor party. Regardless of what they were going to do, the girls were making a night of it in Gatlinburg.

In preparation of our evening out, I had made shirts for my posse. Chalk it up to thinking I’m clever. The shirts made me laugh. I physically ironed on each and every letter myself and insisted the shirts were pink (even though I hate pink) just because. My bridal party probably hated the shirts, but who was going to deny the Bride a request two days before her wedding? Not my girls. I attached a different slogan to each shirt for each maiden depending on their lot in life and sense of humor. For instance, Younger Sister’s said “Desperately Seeking”, while Lawyer sister’s read “Everything’s Negotiable”, and Oldest Sister’s said “Regretfully Unavailable” – because, you know, she was hitched.

Love those shirts!

Love those shirts!

Funnily enough, they had a shirt for me, too. It simply said BRIDE. It came with a pink feather boa, because what screams bachelorette like a pink feather boa? Oh, and they had a headband for me, too. A headband with little plastic penises on them that swayed as I moved. Because everyone wears a headband with little plastic penises on them in public at their bachelorette – and hopefully only at their bachelorette.

Feather boa and plastic penises ... you can't go wrong.

Feather boa and plastic penises … you can’t go wrong.

I’m getting ahead of myself, though. The party actually started at Chelle’s cabin. Behind the lodge was another cabin that the Blackburns rented for the wedding. Before heading into town, we had some games to do. There was a penis ring toss, pin the penis on the hot guy, AND we had a penis cake. I have no idea who made the penis cake, but it was awesome. The entire affair was as cheesy as could be, but it could not have been more fun and was totally me.

Chelle and I ogling the Hot Guy we got to stick penises to.

Chelle and I ogling the Hot Guy we got to stick penises to.

Even my Grandma joined in the fun. What an awesome Grandma.

Even my Grandma joined in the fun. What an awesome Grandma.

After some cake, we younger girls headed out. As the Bride, I had been tasked with a scavenger hunt. Essentially a list of items to find or activities to do that evening. We went straight to the one bar in Gatlinburg to celebrate that last bit of me being single.

It starts to get a little fuzzy here. Very The Hangover but circa 2005 and in The Great Smoky Mountains of Tennessee. And with girls. Obviously. Rather The Hangover than Very Bad Things is what I say. We went to the bar; I didn’t pay for a drink all night. Lots of shots if memory serves. I was also roped into a little karaoke. Got to sing a solo rendition of Like A Virgin. That was appalling (says everyone that was there). Also got serenaded by a Don Cheadle lookalike. I remember that pretty clearly. Oh, Don Cheadle Lookalike – how you made my night… So that was really cool.

We danced, we sang and at some point a newlywed bride and groom walked in, and we celebrated with them too. At least I think we did.  One by one things were checked off my list. Best. Bachelorette. Ever.

There were two final moments of the evening I vaguely recall before passing out on Chelle’s couch. The first was the dogs. My brother-in-law was our party’s DD. We were a solid 20 -30 minute drive back to the lodge from downtown Gatlinburg.

I know we were drunk and were piled into a 15 passenger van with limited visibility, but I’m pretty sure we all saw the dogs. It was the middle of the night at that point. The Smoky Mountains were true to their name as a soft but dense mist of clouds encased us. Suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a dog standing alert in profile on a hill. Well, stray dogs are nothing new. And I wasn’t 100% sure I saw a dog in the first place. Could have been any animal in the inebriated condition I was in. The van continued on and there was another dog. And then another. Suddenly there were dogs everywhere. They weren’t in a group and they weren’t roaming around. It seemed like they were stacked on the mountain, all standing at attention just watching us. Staring. It was so creepy. I wish I was a better writer  so I could adequately convey just how freaky the whole thing was. It felt like a weird dream, with the fog and the dogs standing and watching us in the middle of the night. And this wasn’t just a couple of dogs. It was like 15-20 dogs all the way up the mountain to the lodge, just standing and watching, staring and unflinching. Creepy as hell.

The last moment I remember, after racing out of the van and into the house, was that Darewood had arrived. We grabbed a bottle of Peach Schnapps from the bar (like I really needed anymore alcohol at that point in time) and headed to the hot tub at Chelle’s cabin. We did change into our swimsuits, though I don’t remember it. I have flashes of laughing, splashing and sharing the bottle of schnapps in the hot tub … and that’s it. I woke up the next morning on Chelle’s couch. Darewood was poking at me with a stick or something. Apparently I’d chucked a few times in the night and he and Chelle had taken turns checking on me and turning me on my side so I wouldn’t drown in my own vomit. That was cool of them and what best friends are for.

I had slept in my swimsuit and had the remains of my stomach’s rejection stuck in my hair and on the side of my face. That was one of the more fun walks of shame, you know, because all of my family and Clifford’s got to see me slinking back to the lodge in my swimsuit with barf covering half of my body. Best. Bachelorette. Ever.

 

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Throw-Back-Monday: The Plan

A 10th Anniversary continuation …

The Plan was half-assed. I can admit it because hindsight is 20/20. Didn’t really need hindsight though to conclude that my efforts in planning our wedding weren’t exactly 100%.

The funny thing is, I am a total control freak. I thought I’d be this ridiculous bridezilla about stuff. So not the case. I basically cared less and became less stressed as the wedding approached. Don’t get me wrong, after the kinda proposal, I did buy a bunch of magazines and grabbed a binder, but I think I just knew some things were going to be out of my hands and it was what it was. As long as Clifford was there and I was there and we were saying “I do”, well, sometimes you have to be happy with that.

Anyway, I was engaged. It was time for the The Plan to be formulated.  After When was decided, the next issue was Where.

Clifford hates people. He was all about a small wedding. I am a cheap person who was also broke. So I was all about a small wedding, too.  I wanted a religious ceremony. Clifford deferred to me on that. Though I wanted a religious ceremony, I didn’t want to get married in Indiana or in my childhood church, nor was I feeling particularly attached to Georgia at the time. We did discuss what we were hoping to achieve with a wedding. We’d basically been together for 6 or 7 years by that point, so it was a fair question to ask.

I wanted a religious commitment, a union blessed by the Church. Clifford just wanted it to be over with. We both agreed we wanted the event to be a celebration, and we wanted our families to get to know each other better. Of course they’d met a few times at things over the years, but we looked at our marriage as the unification of not two individuals, but of two families. It was settled. We were getting married in the mountains and it was going to be a four-day affair. Everyone in our immediate families would be staying under one roof and we would live it up like Reagan just got reelected. Except there would be no cocaine. There was a lot of cocaine in ’84.

I started searching rental listings on the internet near Gatlinburg, Tennessee. We needed to accommodate around 30 people overnight. I have four siblings who had spouses and in some cases a couple of kids. I had my folks, my grandmother and one of my uncles as well. This was my immediate family. Clifford was an immigrant so he didn’t have much family here. He had his mom, his dad and his sister, but also what I always considered his adopted family in the States – the Orffs. Three boys, Mr. and Mrs. Orff and Aunt Lee and Uncle Bob. It was going to be a pretty big house party.

I found Tanasi Lodge on VRBO. It is technically in Sevierville near Pigeon Forge and Gatlinburg. When I was younger, The Great Smoky Mountains was one of the places we’d vacation to as a family, so I always loved it there. Clifford loved it, too. The house was gorgeous and fairly new. It had probably the steepest drive I’d ever seen and hadn’t even been paved at the time. We were the first to have a wedding party there. It was three stories and had porches on the East and West sides so you could watch the sunset and the sunrise.

Tanasi Lodge in Sevierville, TN

Tanasi Lodge in Sevierville, TN

Back of the house.

Back of the house.

The house at night.

The house at night.

It was truly breathtaking. The Where was official.

Time to get us a minister. I was torn between an outdoor and an indoor ceremony. We knew the reception would be back at the lodge. We could set up chairs there to do the ceremony outside or look for a church. I am Methodist, so that was my preference even though Clifford had been raised Catholic, he wasn’t practicing, so the pastor to perform the ceremony was up to me.

I had called a few places, been put in touch with a man of the cloth or two… My favorite was the Baptist minister who told me he could absolutely marry us but just so I knew, Clifford would ultimately burn in Hell. I am SO not kidding. I didn’t go with that guy.

Clifford’s one contribution to where the ceremony would be held — I don’t remember where we were, but I remember his words, “I always thought it’d be nice to get married in a little white church.” Wow. Never thought I’d hear that from him. It made me smile and it was his only two cents about the whole thing, so I ran with it.

I had researched all of these chapels in Gatlinburg only to find when visiting Tanasi Lodge, that at the base of the mountain, before heading toward the house, there was a little white Methodist church.

The little white church.

The little white church.

I contacted them, and though it was irregular for them to wed and rent the church to people from out of town, they made an exception for us. It was kismet. Ceremony booked.

The Plan was coming together.

We would arrive on a Thursday. The Bachelor and Bachelorette parties would take place then. Friday would be the rehearsal dinner and not just for those involved in the wedding, but we would have a lamb roast for everyone in town at that time. The ceremony and reception would take place on Saturday, and Sunday would be spent with family and friends before saying adieu. 65 people would be invited. I believe 60 showed up. It would be small and intimate and a blast if I had anything to say about it.

Next up – the Bachelorette party and the rehearsal day. Here’s a little tease …you know Gatlinburg has like one bar, right? (or at least back in the day it did) Best.Bachelorette Party. Ever.

 

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