I haven’t had very lucid dreams for a while, but I had one the other day that has me examining my subconscious quite closely.  What could it mean? What am I trying to tell myself? Did I eat too much chocolate before I fell asleep? The answers elude me, but maybe they’ll come to you.

So, I was at a Hollywood awards show in what was essentially a large high school auditorium…(I know, right?) Just like in high school, I was seated towards the back for a quick an easy escape. Also, to avoid eye contact with any and all persons of authority.  I see a host cracking jokes on stage and making introductions. Shortly after his monologue, I realize it’s a show specifically for the cast of This Is Us.

While I’m sitting in the audience, it appears there’s a special song or performance for each of the kid characters – Randall, Kate and Kevin. They also have one for the mother, Rebecca, but none for the father, Jack. Maybe because he’s dead on the show so he was dead in my dream? I don’t know. Regardless, Many Moore was there with Sterling K. Brown, Chrissy Metz, Justin Hartley and the kid actors playing their youthful counterparts, and for some reason Milo Ventimiglia wasn’t there.

Chrissy was first, and I can’t remember if she sang or if someone sang for her and she was just part of the dance routine with the bluish white spotlight overhead, but the kid actress Kate was with her throughout the song. At one point a group of rather well-built men in tuxedos were lifting her and carrying her all over the stage. It was very Broadway showstopper, if you will.

Next up was Mandy Moore. They called her to the stage to celebrate Rebecca and requested all of her “kids” come up, too, while the performers sing about what a great mother she is. This is where it gets interesting. When they call all the kids to the stage, I get out of my seat and walk there as well. Apparently, I’ve been on This Is Us the entire time! I’m one of the stars! For a while I can’t tell if I’m a 4th kid or if I’ve suddenly been like “Freaky Fridayed” inside Chrissy Metz…. Turns out, I’m a 4th kid! I’m a Hollywood actress and didn’t even know it.

So, there I am, participating with my onscreen siblings in a celebration of our wonderful onscreen mom. At some point, we’re all lying on stage with our feet in the center and flapping our arms like snow angels, making a gloriously choreographed pinwheel from above (again, very Rockettes/Broadway showstopper … or synchronized swimmers?), and Mandy Moore is next to me. She grabs my hand and squeezes it while looking at me and smiling. I squeeze her hand and smile back while mouthing (because there’s a musical performance going on) “I love you, Mom”. And she’s tearing up and I’m tearing up and then when we’re up off the floor. We hug, and then she hugs all her other fake kids, and it’s this big giant love fest. Of course, I’m still processing that I’m one of the kids on This Is Us!!!!

As the lights change to tell the next child’s story, and people are exiting the stage, I learn IT’S MY STORY! The music fades in; I begin doing this solo dance (very Sutton Foster ballet-esque) and the music is softer and quieter than before. It’s just this beautiful moment of me dancing on stage. While the other performances were more loud and celebratory, my performance was not that. It was serene. The next thing I know, kid actor Kevin walks onto the stage, takes my hand and whispers, ” you’re my favorite sister.” But the crowd hears him and goes “awww“. I smile at him and grab his hands and we start dancing together (you know, like how you would dance with a kid, not like at a junior high dance because — ew). We start twirling around on stage to the music, getting better and bit more Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire, but like an awkward version because he’s a kid and I still really have no rhythm.

Anyway, we keep dancing across the stage and down the stairs (the blue spotlight follows us) and out into the audience while the orchestra ends their tune. Then the crowd applauds and we take our seats. Me with whomever I was there with and he with his parents who mouth “Thank you!” while they beam at me. I squeeze his hand one more time before he goes. And then all I can think about is how I need to change my profile pic and my social media handle to my real name so I can get verified and start promoting the shit out of the show I’m on, as well as promoting me so the world realizes I’m on it. I’m the other kid on the show! I have to let people know so my Twitter followers can start engaging with me and kissing my ass.

Then I wake up.