Gone With The Wind (http://web.calstatela.edu/library/mmc/100/~g3.htm)

Besides, growing up in the 80s and 90s, the phenomena that was Gone With The Wind had been around for over fifty years. It was ingrained in pop culture. Everyone knew the story of a snobby Southern Belle named Scarlett and her roguishly debonair lover/foe Rhett Butler.  Thanks to Carol Burnett, we knew she wore curtains for a dress. We knew Scarlett would “never be hungry again.” Kids on playgrounds everywhere would say, “Frankly Scarlett, I don’t give a damn” (it was a way of getting away with swearing because you were quoting a classic).

If you were aware of all of this, you were also aware of how ridiculously long the book and the film are. Like The Wizard of Oz, no need to waste your time when you knew the happily ever after.

Except there was no happily ever after. WHAT?!!

A few weeks ago, I thought I’d join my mother in her annual viewing of this epic tale of love and loss during the Civil War in Atlanta. I mean, I live here now. It’s weird knowing everything about something that came from your backyard but never actually experiencing it yourself. So another check off the bucket list, if you will. I saddled up and prepared to be enlightened for the next four hours.

Four hours I can NEVER get back. Let me begin with the characters.

Scarlett: One of the most hideous characters ever created. It’s no wonder Vivien Leigh ended up as Blanche DuBois. Essentially the older version of a money-hungry life-sucking troll.

Hated Harlot

Rhett: An idiot.

Mr. Brass Balls

Melanie: A woman that could spit sunshine and rainbows  like a genuine unicorn.

Little Lady Lost

Ashley. The unexpected 60 year old playing a 20 year old being lusted after by a 16 year old. Kind of sick.

Old Man Pimp Daddy

The plot?

A timeless tale of a total bitch that has no redeeming qualities whatsoever. She essentially ruins everything and everyone around her and has a twisted affinity for a cotton farm that usurps any sentiment she could possibly have for another living breathing human being. There is no growth. There is no happy ending, maybe a well-deserved ending, but no happy ending. He leaves her. Rhett just leaves her. Are you kidding me?!!! I could not have been more surprised than if the Titanic didn’t sink and Kate Winslet kept her clothes on. Seriously? Did everyone else in America know? Was I the only one in the dark?

Now don’t get me wrong, part of me was ecstatic that the evil wench would be left all alone the rest of her years for the horrific woman she was, but still, for over 30 years, I knew the story and its ending. I would never have guessed one of the greatest love stories of all time actually wasn’t. Oh yeah, and that such a critically acclaimed movie sucked. Blew. My. Mind.

A total-take-back.