A continuation of  Lib Goes To The Library,  Lib Goes To The Library – Part 2, and Part 3

So yes, I’ve been reduced to coercing  a rather straight laced librarian into breaking the rules. Maybe not break so much as bend them a bit. Have you ever seen a librarian that bends the rules? It went something like this:

Me (stepping to the counter with a look of desperation): I totally know that I’ve hit my maximum renewals …  (she gives me the look) And I know I totally should have read the book by now (she starts shaking her head while taking the book from me), but you see I have jury duty this Monday and I just know I’ll read the book then …

Librarian (scanning the book and looking at her screen): Yes, you have checked it out for the maximum number of times. You can’t renew it more than three times. I’m sorry.

Me (with a pathetic attempt at puppy dog eyes): Well, what if you checked it back in and I just happened to be the next person to check it out? Then it’s all just coincidence. No harm no foul. I highly doubt there’s a hold on this one… (no offense Mr. Klosterman)

Librarian (again with the look using her librarian tone): You cannot renew a book more than three times. (then she side eyes the librarian next to her helping another person at the counter and looks back at me using a  hushed upon hushed tone): You can’t tell anyone I did this, ok?

The woman looked seriously scared for her life. Her eyes darted again to the colleague on her right before turning back to begin working some computer magic with the keys. I watched in awe.

Librarian (looks at me, still whispering whispering and even leaning a bit towards me): I’m serious. You cannot tell anyone I did this! I could get into trouble for this! We are not allowed to do this! (she looks back at the computer , and once more peripherally to the woman on her side of the counter)

Me (grateful, confused, but excited she’s taking such a chance): Thank you so much! I’m sure they won’t let me use my phone at jury duty so I will have no option but to sit and read this book, I promise! It.Will. Get. Read. (I tried to emphasize my commitment to reading the book to ease her concerns and affirm that her efforts will not have been in vain)

Librarian (somewhat conspiratorially and very pointedly) : Oh they definitely won’t let you use your phone. You will want this book. Mark my words. (she slowly passed the book back to me, looking me in the eye like what she just said was a secret she was never supposed to share, and yet almost challenging me to prove her wrong. It occurred to me that this librarian was a bit tightly wound).

I nodded slowly and carefully reached for the book. I felt like a gazelle trying quietly not to disturb the lion that was just a reach away. The tension that had suddenly descended between us had me ready to get the hell out of there.

Me: Thank you, again. (I stepped back with the book and added a bit warily) I really appreciate it.

Librarian (with a sharp look and the whisper whisper): Remember, don’t tell anyone about this!

I smiled, nodded and left the library faster than The Flash.  I’m reading the book on Monday so help me if only to avoid anymore awkward confrontations like the one I just had.

I’ve been obsessed with television and movies since I could crawl to the dial flipping it back and forth between The Electric Company and The Brady Bunch. I’ve binged watched with the best of them, but it is time for me to expand my horizons.

I’ve decided to read a book. This is huge for me. This is me adulting. For those who know me, and as I mentioned above, I’m a TV and movie kind of gal. I’m visual. I prefer sequentially moving images to that of the printed static word. Every book assigned in school got the sufficiently skimmed treatment to complete whatever essay, test or quiz was assigned. I never actually took the time to read from beginning to end, cover to cover. I even cheated at Choose Your Own Adventure Books. To be clear – I CHEATED at CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE BOOKS. My attempts at investing in the written meanderings or machinations of the published variety have been limited to Cosmopolitan, Mad and Highlights magazines over the years.  So, as you can see, I’m not a reader.

That said, there are a select few I’ve read through and through, and in most of those cases I read them more than once.  Unfortunately I could likely count that number of fully read books on two hands.

1.      Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire – 8 times. Because I was living in Italy and everything else was in Italian.

2.      Pride and Prejudice- 6 times. Because it’s Pride and Prejudice.

3.      Catcher in the Rye - 4 times. Because I HATED IT THAT MUCH.

4.      A Brave New World – 2 times. Because WTF?

5.      The Princess Bride- 2 times. Because who wouldn’t?

6.      Revolutionary Road – 1 time. Because Kate and Leo totally sold it for me.

Now these are just the through and throughs. Not one missed word or page. Other than that, I’ve fake-read MANY books. All skimmed in some way, shape, form or other. Sometimes I just outright skipped to the end or read the book wrapping to gather the general idea before BSing my way to good grades and teacher’s graces. And for the record — straight A’s in all of my English classes since always, so apparently my half-read-general-gist method works. No cliff notes or Google summaries back in the day. Just pure glancing and guessing earned me those A’s.   Books were time wasters in my opinion. I had tennis to do, friends to see and Dawson’s Creek to watch. I’m ok with that.

I renewed my library card last week, because, well, apparently libraries still exist. So I checked out a book. I suppose in these days of Amazon Prime and bookstores every other block I could have purchased the book, but I’m also trying to de-clutter my life. Who needs more dust collectors lying around? Besides, if I really love the book, then maybe I’ll purchase it. Unless this is one of those instances of why buy the cow if I’m getting the milk for free…or is that just a sex and marriage idiom and not applicable to library checkouts?

With all the pop-culture and podcasts I’m invested in these days, Chuck Klosterman has come up the lucky winner. Shortly I will be embarking on Killing Yourself To Live. I would have preferred Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs from what I’ve gathered online, but the library only had it on Audio CD which would negate the whole me reading a book thing in this instance. Beggars, or stubborn people, can’t be choosers so Killing Yourself To Live it is. We’ll see how it goes.